Sleeping Sickness.

Recurring dreams every night, 
From fearful deaths to picture of you becoming the formal background.
I never went back, you and me.
Tired souls, hold each other soon.

"I awoke
Only to find my lungs empty
And through the night
So it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down

And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down"

High off of you, oh, these recurring dreams I wish to escape.
Dreaming about the past and former mistakes I may have made in the last two hours.
I have a rage inside, a war declared on me since birth.
My fault, my bridge, my fire.

"I've become
A simple souvenir of someone's kill
And like the sea
I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole"

So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself.
--- Alan Watts

Think Happy.

Feeling stronger senses.

"A person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts. So he loses touch with reality, and lives in a world of illusion."

- Alan Watts

My very existence, my life in the world, seemed like a hallucination. A strong wind would make me think my body was about to be blown to the end of the earth, to some land I had never seen or heard of, where my mind and body would separate forever. “Hold tight,” I would tell myself, but there was nothing for me to hold on to. ---- Haruki Murakami, “Sleep”

Well-being.

"The acquirement and enjoyment of physical well-being mental calm, and spiritual peace are priceless to their possessors.... and it is only through Contrology that this unique trinity of a balanced body, mind, and spirit can ever be attained." - Joseph Pilates, Return to Life Through Contrology

 

“The one thing you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and dance and build and play and dance and live as only you can. The moment that you feel that just possibly you are walking down the street naked…that’s the moment you may be starting to get it right.”

—	Neil Gaiman

You were always my part one:

8/11/11 11:40 pm

I saw you for the first time in maybe a year, or two. My chest is tight, my spit hard to swallow. This gut feeling that I have, this urge to stand as close to you as possible, it's frightening.
No, it's invigorating.

I thought I had buried every piece of you, but you keep digging up. Our history was bound to catch up with us someday. Clean water rinsing down the emptiness to my stomach. I feel your shaking, clammy hands.

Six whole years and you never forgot me. Six whole years and your kisses still feel the same, I thought I had forgotten, but it all came rushing back. Now it falls all around me, I want to faint and collapse on the bed. I want to cry, I want to hold you. I want to say yes to everything that comes out of your mouth.

I see your scars, all in one, none of them get passed my study. I hold some scars too, one of them is you. I feel your sickness, sadness, and your loneliness in this very moment...
And it kills me that I can’t chase away your fear, and fill your entire life with my love.

I can’t mend that broken feeling.
I can’t be a solution to a friend.
I can’t be the balance beam in the end.
But one thing I can do, I can always remember you.

Hospital Hallways.

The hallway darkens, and lights flicker as I keep my pace steady.
My lungs pump heavily, my fingers puncture into my stomach, my feet bare and cold. 
Your touch sings to me, intoxicating my breath, leading me to your chest.
It's all so real and enough to wake me up in the mid of night.
Hidden are the thoughts of how I will survive this fight.
Founded are your lips eased upon my head as you leave me in a few short minutes.
In my mind, my hands raced wildly for yours, I stumbled around, locked in the dark world of make believe.
This isn't enough, you can't leave me like this. 

The hallway darkens, and lights flicker as I stop my pace.
My spiked heart drops, and my hands bring me to my knees.
I lay myself down easily, holding myself together with what you left me.
I hear the whispers from all of the inpatients, "Death can be so peaceful".

This isn't enough, you can't leave me like this. 
You can't, you can't, you won't.

I clutch these fists for release but undone they fall, with such little strength to show. 
I've chosen where to be, but I misplaced our bodies in all of the fake memories. 
And hospital sheets serve as bandages for the baby bones I have purposely broken chasing after you. 
When all you want and need has been taken from you, explain to me how possible is it to simply breathe day in and day out... And if I continue to survive day after day without you, how vital were you in the first place?

I don't want to fade where you are not found, even if you remain blurred, I will keep you any way I can.
Always warm, always so warm in my arms... I'm starting to feel warm, starting to drift...
So lonesome, so weak, so wild, so awake but I can't even speak now.
That wasn't enough, this is not right. 

Don't look at me, at least not in the eyes.
Don't mention my name anymore, not where I'll chance hearing it.
It only sends signals through my heart to drop another foot deeper.
I can't take those simple gestures these days.
I can't take the simple idea of you never with me.

I'm a sick, lost puppy dog holding onto the pitbull's territory.
I'm waving the white flag, so please stop shooting.
Gulping back all of my foolish distress,

Because who else could I love?
Because who else would I lay down a fight for?

So don't, please just don't.
Unless of course, you mean it.

Having Waves in Your Veins

“And they tell me that I can’t keep the ocean in my ribs, but I do.

That dangerous things live there.
That there have been stories of barracuda monsters,
octopuses with 15 tentacle, testicle thingies,

whales that will swallow you,
and sharks that can’t wait to taste a human.

But despite all of this the manatees and mermaids
are enough to keep the waves in my veins,
so I’m swimming.

I got the touch of beautiful women in my shivers
even though I don’t know the meaning of love
I know the feeling of fingers
and that’s enough to get me by
For now.

In the wind there are words I have a hard time catching,
but I’m trying my best to grab ‘em
and keep ‘em in my pocket
so when I get home I’ll have more poems to write and stories to tell because
everyday is a new chance to look at the same things differently.
To stand with no umbrella in the rain
because the rain is just the sky
wanting to touch you.
Listen to the birds and crickets chirping away
because everything with sound has a song to sing
and anything that breathes has something to say
So listen.

Just because this thing called reality tells you
that you can’t breathe stars,
snuggle with clouds,
french kiss raindrops,
or grow flowers in your hands
You can!

People told me that I couldn’t do a lot of things
and I believed them for a while but I’m doing them now.
I’m practicing hugs and handshakes because that’s what saves people.
I never believed that refraining from cursing or saying your prayers
would get you any closer to heaven or any further from hell.
Don’t be afraid to pull the bricks from your feet and skip to your next location
because the greatest distance, I swear, is still the one within you.

Give the finger to self-reservation
and begin to be the thing that you always wanted to be
but was too afraid to do.
Keep sonnets in your sinews,
rest in your lover’s whispers,
snuggle with change until it becomes your constant,
learn to look at yourself in the mirror at any time of the day
and smile finding that the definition of beauty
is in your own reflection.

Because in the end who is to say what is true?
Who is to tell you who you should love?
Who is to tell you who you should be?
Who is to tell you what is real and what to believe?
When reality was only created to make another category
that would define a certain group of people as crazy.
I know what I feel and
I’m beginning to understand who I am.

I’m just a girl
who keeps the ocean in my ribs and the waves in my veins
despite all of the terrible things that people say it contains,
but I think at the end of the day
we are all just swimming.”

—	Lacey Roop

Five Seconds.

Bedhead.

“From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.”

—	Edvard Munch

Mouthful Of Honey Bees.

Mouthful of honey bees, sit down and beg for me.
A southern boy with a soulful heart, he's my angel taking cover in the dark.
City life swallowed me up, stole my change and shattered my heart.
Dreaming of sunshine porches, swinging over lakes, and falling into a slumber.
Steady down the road, driving towards your country born eyes.
What we have is patient, what we have is gentle, just slow love tonight.
I've never ran away, I face my dreams, and I live in my fears.
But for you I'd pack tonight, steal it all, and with you I'd drive.
Mouthful of honey bees, sit down and beg for me.

Bluebells.

I'm trying not to step on the frosty shattered bells

Because I can still hear them

Such sweet, soft lullabies
Can you hear them,

Even through the thick fog?

I want to lay down beside someone, whisper all of my secrets

But will I have to remember them at all.

"I have a problem when people say something's real or not real, or normal or abnormal. The meaning of those words for me is very personal and subjective. I've always been confused and never had a clearcut understanding of the meaning of those kinds of words. ---- If you’ve ever had that feeling of loneliness, of being an outsider, it never quite leaves you. You can be happy or successful or whatever, but that thing still stays within you.”

—	Tim Burton

Submerged.

Even though my faith in you is lacking from time to time, I just want to hold you. And these records I hold of trust can be burned if given enough time. Waking up alone has taught me to look past all of the pointless fights and bickering. Waking up with your legs wrapped around me and the taste of your lips reminds me that this is what I am fighting for. And when I defended my demons over you, I want to forget. I remember one of our last moments driving in that car, you screaming at me and throwing such a tantrum. You cried so hard, you hated me having that memory of you as one of my last, that I would hold onto that as I left you in that drive way that rainy October day... But all I saw that day was a boy and a man. Both in pain yet strong, both lovable and irreplaceable. You were right so many times that I never let on, and you saw me through and through when I tried so hard to hide. If what your heart spills is true then I promise all to you. I won't let go, I'll continue fighting, and I will give you love more and more each day.

“Don’t do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.”

—	Henry Rollins

“A little damage makes people more interesting, right?”

—	Catherine Hapka, Something Borrowed

“I see everyone and no one in myself.”

—	Sylvia Plath, from a journal entry dated 23 May 1951.

Skin2

I don’t imagine you
saran-wrapped in black latex
or seeping out the edges
of something tight and red

I don’t close my eyes
to dream of your back
arched at the impossible angle
of a bow pulled tight
encouraging your shoulder blades
to drip the blood
of stockpiled broken hearts
but I hope the sound
of you not shielding your eyes
from my blinding humility
will one day top the charts

it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard
and you’re the charlie chaplin of your beautifuls
because you make me believe it
when you say it all without saying a word

looking at you it occurred to me
I could sit around all day
wearing nothing but your kiss

you make mirrors
want to grind themselves
back down into sand
because they can’t do your reflection justice

and this just in
I am done with those
who in life would have made me fight
an army of imperfections
a battalion of flaws
tonight we’re going to keep this city up
when they hear our bodies
slap together like applause.

-Rliey Dog

Silly.

make animated gifs like this at MakeAGif

Deserving of love.

When you’re a Crazy Girl, you’re always (subconsciously or consciously) testing the people who love you because you don’t believe you’re deserving of love, and because you’re so insecure that you need to be proven right. If you really fuck up, like for real this time, and people get fed up with you, than you were right about them and about yourself.

— Kate Louis

Body Image.

"When I was younger, the nice comments I received on my clothes and figure reminded me that people were judging my appearance. People asked questions like where I bought my scarf much more often than what I was interested in studying after high school. I spent more and more time in front of the mirror each morning, making sure to apply my makeup just right and checking that I hadn’t eaten too much the previous night. I felt like I was constantly the “before” picture in a makeover magazine spread, and I always worked hard to make myself into the beautiful “after” shot.

I still remember those zits I erased in photos and those days when I just waited for someone to compliment me on my shirt. It took me years of gradual confidence building to realize that I am gorgeous and valuable even when I don’t dress to the nines and look like a model.

We are raised to feel like we are inadequate, that we are not good enough for boys, for attention, for compliments, for acceptance, for success. Teenagers and pre-teens consume an average of 10 hours of media a day. Those images can send encouraging messages, but they can also perpetuate toxic stereotypes. It can show women being sexualized in magazine advertisements, women gossiping about other’s appearances on television, and music videos on YouTube where men treat women as inferior. They are being aimed at a younger and younger girl audience, but we have the power to shape the social culture surrounding us by changing the way we think."

— Annemarie McDaniel, writing on why our #Proud2BeMe campaign with NEDA is so important. Join us this week to celebrate yourselves, celebrate your friends, and tell body-obsessed media to back off!

“Whatever causes night in our souls may leave stars.”

—	Victor Hugo: Ninety-Three

Stubborn Love.

When we were young, we did enough
When it got cold, we bundled up
I cant be told, It cant be done

It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all
The opposite of love's indifference
Pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out
And I wont leave until you come downstairs

So keep your head up, keep your love
keep your head up, my love
Keep your head up, keep your love

“My dear,
Find what you love and let it kill you. 
Let it drain you of your all. 
Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness.
Let it kill you and let it devour your remains.
For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.”

—	Charles Bukowski

You wanna climb up the stairs,
I wanna push you back down.
But I let you inside,
So you can push me around. 

If I leave before you,
And I walk out alone,
Keep your hands to yourself
When you follow me home.

-The Antlers

RIDE.

"I was in the winter of my life- and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell sleep with vision of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three year down the line of being on an endless world tour and memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times. I was a singer, not very popular one, who once has dreams of becoming a beautiful poet- but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again- sparkling and broken. But I really didn’t mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I had been living- they asked me why. But there’s no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what its like to seek safety in other people, for home to be wherever you lied you head.

I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me that I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing me due north, no fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiviness that was as wide as wavering as the ocean. And if I said that I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying- because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one- who belonged to everyone, who had nothing- who wanted everything with a fire for every experience and an obssesion for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about- and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzlez and dizzied me.

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people- and finally I did- on the open road. We have nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore- except to make our lives into a work of art.

LIVE FAST. DIE YOUNG. BE WILD. AND HAVE FUN.

I believe in the country America used to be. I belive in the person I want to become, I believe in the freedom of the open road. And my motto is the same as ever- *I believe in the kindness of strangers. And when I’m at war with myself- I Ride. I Just Ride.*

Who are you? Are you in touch with all your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you’re free to experience them?
I Have.
I Am Fucking Crazy. But I Am Free."

- Lana Del Rey

A Dream.

Simple enough...

Afraid to look inside...

I am unlovable and clearly unimportant. I fill the time and spaces where humans ache. I am used and fooled, not because I am naive. I am tired, I am lonely, and I am so very weak now.

Beauty in the words.

I stained my teeth an Arctic white and these roses sprung like summer tents across my lips: The blood invading the snow.

E. E. Cummings

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says
we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis

Tidal Wave.

You are the tidal wave, and I am the fade.

Disappear into the mist, there is nothing left here to reminisce.

And they are making noise of joy, and songs about peace.

And they lean in close, they whisper "Love should feel good".

That's why so many failed to show up.

I don't have anything left inside you, or in me.

I sliced a hole inside my stomach to purge these feelings away.

I am much too full to be held tonight.

"Am I the only one you see?Raised from the path of revelrySpells fall frailWebs catching sailIn eternal eternitiesDivine purpose catching free"