Sleeping Sickness.

Recurring dreams every night, 
From fearful deaths to picture of you becoming the formal background.
I never went back, you and me.
Tired souls, hold each other soon.

"I awoke
Only to find my lungs empty
And through the night
So it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down

And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down"

High off of you, oh, these recurring dreams I wish to escape.
Dreaming about the past and former mistakes I may have made in the last two hours.
I have a rage inside, a war declared on me since birth.
My fault, my bridge, my fire.

"I've become
A simple souvenir of someone's kill
And like the sea
I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole"

So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself.
--- Alan Watts

Think Happy.

Feeling stronger senses.

"A person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts. So he loses touch with reality, and lives in a world of illusion."

- Alan Watts

My very existence, my life in the world, seemed like a hallucination. A strong wind would make me think my body was about to be blown to the end of the earth, to some land I had never seen or heard of, where my mind and body would separate forever. “Hold tight,” I would tell myself, but there was nothing for me to hold on to. ---- Haruki Murakami, “Sleep”

Well-being.

"The acquirement and enjoyment of physical well-being mental calm, and spiritual peace are priceless to their possessors.... and it is only through Contrology that this unique trinity of a balanced body, mind, and spirit can ever be attained." - Joseph Pilates, Return to Life Through Contrology

 

“The one thing you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and dance and build and play and dance and live as only you can. The moment that you feel that just possibly you are walking down the street naked…that’s the moment you may be starting to get it right.”

—	Neil Gaiman

You were always my part one:

8/11/11 11:40 pm

I saw you for the first time in maybe a year, or two. My chest is tight, my spit hard to swallow. This gut feeling that I have, this urge to stand as close to you as possible, it's frightening.
No, it's invigorating.

I thought I had buried every piece of you, but you keep digging up. Our history was bound to catch up with us someday. Clean water rinsing down the emptiness to my stomach. I feel your shaking, clammy hands.

Six whole years and you never forgot me. Six whole years and your kisses still feel the same, I thought I had forgotten, but it all came rushing back. Now it falls all around me, I want to faint and collapse on the bed. I want to cry, I want to hold you. I want to say yes to everything that comes out of your mouth.

I see your scars, all in one, none of them get passed my study. I hold some scars too, one of them is you. I feel your sickness, sadness, and your loneliness in this very moment...
And it kills me that I can’t chase away your fear, and fill your entire life with my love.

I can’t mend that broken feeling.
I can’t be a solution to a friend.
I can’t be the balance beam in the end.
But one thing I can do, I can always remember you.

Hospital Hallways.

The hallway darkens, and lights flicker as I keep my pace steady.
My lungs pump heavily, my fingers puncture into my stomach, my feet bare and cold. 
Your touch sings to me, intoxicating my breath, leading me to your chest.
It's all so real and enough to wake me up in the mid of night.
Hidden are the thoughts of how I will survive this fight.
Founded are your lips eased upon my head as you leave me in a few short minutes.
In my mind, my hands raced wildly for yours, I stumbled around, locked in the dark world of make believe.
This isn't enough, you can't leave me like this. 

The hallway darkens, and lights flicker as I stop my pace.
My spiked heart drops, and my hands bring me to my knees.
I lay myself down easily, holding myself together with what you left me.
I hear the whispers from all of the inpatients, "Death can be so peaceful".

This isn't enough, you can't leave me like this. 
You can't, you can't, you won't.

I clutch these fists for release but undone they fall, with such little strength to show. 
I've chosen where to be, but I misplaced our bodies in all of the fake memories. 
And hospital sheets serve as bandages for the baby bones I have purposely broken chasing after you. 
When all you want and need has been taken from you, explain to me how possible is it to simply breathe day in and day out... And if I continue to survive day after day without you, how vital were you in the first place?

I don't want to fade where you are not found, even if you remain blurred, I will keep you any way I can.
Always warm, always so warm in my arms... I'm starting to feel warm, starting to drift...
So lonesome, so weak, so wild, so awake but I can't even speak now.
That wasn't enough, this is not right. 

Don't look at me, at least not in the eyes.
Don't mention my name anymore, not where I'll chance hearing it.
It only sends signals through my heart to drop another foot deeper.
I can't take those simple gestures these days.
I can't take the simple idea of you never with me.

I'm a sick, lost puppy dog holding onto the pitbull's territory.
I'm waving the white flag, so please stop shooting.
Gulping back all of my foolish distress,

Because who else could I love?
Because who else would I lay down a fight for?

So don't, please just don't.
Unless of course, you mean it.

Having Waves in Your Veins

“And they tell me that I can’t keep the ocean in my ribs, but I do.

That dangerous things live there.
That there have been stories of barracuda monsters,
octopuses with 15 tentacle, testicle thingies,

whales that will swallow you,
and sharks that can’t wait to taste a human.

But despite all of this the manatees and mermaids
are enough to keep the waves in my veins,
so I’m swimming.

I got the touch of beautiful women in my shivers
even though I don’t know the meaning of love
I know the feeling of fingers
and that’s enough to get me by
For now.

In the wind there are words I have a hard time catching,
but I’m trying my best to grab ‘em
and keep ‘em in my pocket
so when I get home I’ll have more poems to write and stories to tell because
everyday is a new chance to look at the same things differently.
To stand with no umbrella in the rain
because the rain is just the sky
wanting to touch you.
Listen to the birds and crickets chirping away
because everything with sound has a song to sing
and anything that breathes has something to say
So listen.

Just because this thing called reality tells you
that you can’t breathe stars,
snuggle with clouds,
french kiss raindrops,
or grow flowers in your hands
You can!

People told me that I couldn’t do a lot of things
and I believed them for a while but I’m doing them now.
I’m practicing hugs and handshakes because that’s what saves people.
I never believed that refraining from cursing or saying your prayers
would get you any closer to heaven or any further from hell.
Don’t be afraid to pull the bricks from your feet and skip to your next location
because the greatest distance, I swear, is still the one within you.

Give the finger to self-reservation
and begin to be the thing that you always wanted to be
but was too afraid to do.
Keep sonnets in your sinews,
rest in your lover’s whispers,
snuggle with change until it becomes your constant,
learn to look at yourself in the mirror at any time of the day
and smile finding that the definition of beauty
is in your own reflection.

Because in the end who is to say what is true?
Who is to tell you who you should love?
Who is to tell you who you should be?
Who is to tell you what is real and what to believe?
When reality was only created to make another category
that would define a certain group of people as crazy.
I know what I feel and
I’m beginning to understand who I am.

I’m just a girl
who keeps the ocean in my ribs and the waves in my veins
despite all of the terrible things that people say it contains,
but I think at the end of the day
we are all just swimming.”

—	Lacey Roop

Five Seconds.

Bedhead.

“From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.”

—	Edvard Munch

Mouthful Of Honey Bees.

Mouthful of honey bees, sit down and beg for me.
A southern boy with a soulful heart, he's my angel taking cover in the dark.
City life swallowed me up, stole my change and shattered my heart.
Dreaming of sunshine porches, swinging over lakes, and falling into a slumber.
Steady down the road, driving towards your country born eyes.
What we have is patient, what we have is gentle, just slow love tonight.
I've never ran away, I face my dreams, and I live in my fears.
But for you I'd pack tonight, steal it all, and with you I'd drive.
Mouthful of honey bees, sit down and beg for me.

Bluebells.

I'm trying not to step on the frosty shattered bells

Because I can still hear them

Such sweet, soft lullabies
Can you hear them,

Even through the thick fog?

I want to lay down beside someone, whisper all of my secrets

But will I have to remember them at all.

"I have a problem when people say something's real or not real, or normal or abnormal. The meaning of those words for me is very personal and subjective. I've always been confused and never had a clearcut understanding of the meaning of those kinds of words. ---- If you’ve ever had that feeling of loneliness, of being an outsider, it never quite leaves you. You can be happy or successful or whatever, but that thing still stays within you.”

—	Tim Burton

Submerged.

Even though my faith in you is lacking from time to time, I just want to hold you. And these records I hold of trust can be burned if given enough time. Waking up alone has taught me to look past all of the pointless fights and bickering. Waking up with your legs wrapped around me and the taste of your lips reminds me that this is what I am fighting for. And when I defended my demons over you, I want to forget. I remember one of our last moments driving in that car, you screaming at me and throwing such a tantrum. You cried so hard, you hated me having that memory of you as one of my last, that I would hold onto that as I left you in that drive way that rainy October day... But all I saw that day was a boy and a man. Both in pain yet strong, both lovable and irreplaceable. You were right so many times that I never let on, and you saw me through and through when I tried so hard to hide. If what your heart spills is true then I promise all to you. I won't let go, I'll continue fighting, and I will give you love more and more each day.

“Don’t do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.”

—	Henry Rollins