Hollywood.

“Sleeping next to someone,
not with someone, is perhaps
the most intimate you will
ever be with another human.
In sleep, we are completely
defenseless. We are soft
and supple and childlike.
Our hard exteriors falls away
when the sand hits our eyes.
The way you sleep, with your
face softened and your arms
wrapped around my waist,
is the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen. I am not an
artist, but I may become one
just so that I can capture that
moment.”

—	I Miss Sleeping Next To You.

2:14 AM

RED VELVET.

You swing first. I'm still attempting to walk in a straight line after that last round.
Swinging nooses behind the red velvet curtain are singing deep within core.
You hooked me deep and sewed me into your life, like it was my one and only purpose.
I've lived in truth all by myself, and I've lived so many lies with you by my side.
Born to be used. Loved only to be abused. Everything kicks from within.
Keep your hands off of me, remember last time?
Oh red velvet, so much red pouring down from the walls.

Pain easing into comfort. I'm slowly coming down now.
Older bones with young hearts. Fighters, not lovers. Red velvet fills the sheets.
Bruises tend to fade, but the soul can ache for an eternity.
I'm sorry for everything I said, please just stop...
Let me brush your hair, let me gently kiss you into my arms.
I'll let you betray me because I am weak from loving you.

Wild Heart.

The wild heart stricken down by a lover, but has survived.

Betrayed, never look bad, just keep walking along the old dirt road.

A wild heart, on it's own.

The wild heart reflects upon the past, holding grudges.

So to hell with him, and all good deeds.

To hell with standing still as the world around us spins me into a sea-sickness sort of motion.

A wild heart, on my own.

On my own...

"you aren’t delicate
or lovely
you aren’t romantically sad
or poetically broken

you are just a sick little girl
with your head in the toilet
and scratches on your wrists"

I'm deteriorating.

Because...

I want to feel my bones and know their strength.

"You are not only losing weight, you are also losing your mind. Eating Disorders take no prisoners, they only destroy."

Road to recovery,

"I was diagnosed with OCD, panic disorder, and agoraphobia.  I have wanted to give up nearly every day the past two years.  My OCD is existential, so there are days when I am completely terrified of everyone and everything. Literally. Things don’t look real to me. People I know and trust seem weird. I have days when I can’t leave the house and panic attacks come one right after the other. I have many days when I wonder if having an ED was easier than facing all this shit.

 This is what I was running from with my ED and unless I face it head on, it will always be lurking around to pop in at the most inconvenient time. I need to deal with it now or I have no chance of living the meaningful life I so desperately seek. There are days when I crumble to the floor and cry.  Crying for everything I have lost and everything I want to gain. Crying because this is way harder than I could possibly have imagined.  Crying because the thoughts are still there and I cannot run. Crying because sometimes it gets to be too much and no one understands. Crying because I want to go back to my ED so bad and I cannot."

- Shelly Guillory

"I don't know what I'm feeling"

“You see once it’s in your head though, you become this strange new breed, a life form that loves to fantasize about its own demise. Make a stupid remark; kill yourself. You like the movie; you live. You miss the train; kill yourself” 

—	Girl Interrupted

Darkness falls.

“They don’t teach you this in school. They don’t show you the beauty of existing, they don’t show you the wonder of the earth, they don’t show you the unity that human beings are. They show you who’s better, who’s worse. They show you what they need to show you in order for their system to survive. They don’t show you love.”

Bodies.

The Harsh Mistress

The call of the seagulls,
near the edge of the sea,
is the lure that attracts men
to their boats to test the sea. 

Waves dance a beckoning call, their waters to explore.
Therefore, men set off in their boats
to answer the wandering call.

However, to many a man
the sea maybe a mistress,
to others it is their downfall.
The sea can be a harsh mistress,
to some who come to call,
as they make time there forever,
deep in that watery bed

The storms she creates,
when angry,
has sealed many good men,
to an eternal fate.
So be warned my friends,
before you fall for the siren’s call.
The sea can be a harsh mistress.

                            

                         Worth is in who you are and what you do, not in what you look like.

These Hands.

These hands were given to me a long time ago as a gift,

To work hard and to create.

Yet, I choose to destroy.

I want you to show me...

Hating less...

"This is the body I was born with. I’m trying to accept myself and appreciate what my body can do for me. Body acceptance isn’t about loving your body. It’s about hating your body less."

Beautiful words:

This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.

— Walt Whitman

 

Either you’re the one erasing or you’re the one being erased.

Self Reminder:

My health does not dictate my worthiness for respect.
My health does not dictate my worthiness for respect.
My health does not dictate my worthiness for respect.
My health does not dictate my worthiness for respect.
My health does not dictate my worthiness for respect.
My health does not dictate my worthiness for respect.
My health does not dictate my worthiness for respect. 
MY HEALTH DOES NOT DICTATE MY WORTHINESS FOR RESPECT. 

"When I am with you, there is nowhere else I’d rather be. And I am a person who always wants to be somewhere else."
David Levithan